A relationship coach has shared her top tips on how to get over an ex and how you might win them back.
Sabrina Alexis, who lives in New York, said the main thing single people should do is not have contact with their exes for 30 days.
During this no-contact period, they can assess what they want, whether it’s in a relationship or not.
The coach and author said women, in particular, should “take inventory” to see if their ex is worth getting back together with. She recommends writing a list of three must-have romantic qualities a couple must have and three make-or-break factors.
Alexis devised her method after a particularly difficult breakup in 2006 with her ex-boyfriend, Eric Charles, with whom she said she had a “sick obsession.”
“I was sick of being at the mercy of men and feeling powerless,” she said. “I contacted Eric and tried to make him jealous by talking about all the guys chasing me, but it didn’t have the desired effect.”
Instead of getting back together, Charles told Alexis that she should start writing about her experiences with romance and giving advice to other women. As friends, they launched a dating advice platform called “A New Mode” together.
Alexis likened dealing with a breakup to “being in rehab.” “Love is a drug and it creates chemical reactions in the brain, just like someone coming off drugs craves a hit,” she explained.
“Someone in a relationship craves that punch too, but every time you check it out, you’re holding yourself back.”
Their no contact rule encourages people not to contact or check out their ex’s social media platforms for at least a month. Some people may need more time, she said.
“If you think ‘I miss him’ and ‘I love him,’ you need to analyze what you miss,” she continued. “You miss the connection, which is a need separate from the person.
“So you may wonder how else you can find that connection through your family, friends, and yourself. You should do something that makes you feel alive and shift his focus to you.”
Anyone going through a breakup can experience a “hunt loop” of feelings of fear, insecurity, and anxiety. Alexis’s advice when this happens is to challenge the negative thought and ask, “Is this working for me?”
“If the thought is, ‘Can I get it back?’ you need to stop and think, ‘I’ll find the right person, I’ll find the relationship that I want,’” she said.
“Focus on the vacation you are going to or a concert you are looking forward to to stop the obsessive thoughts that are holding you hostage.”
Alexis also said that having a positive or “growth” mindset is key to getting over someone.
“People with the fixed mindset think that breakups or rejection say something about them that drives them to despair. If you have a growth mindset, you can think about how you will learn or grow from the relationship,” he explained.
At the end of the 30-day period, if a person feels at peace with the possibility of not being with their ex anymore, but still wants to try again, they can try communicating with an informal text message.
If the response is “cold,” they should “accept it as a loss and let it go,” Alexis said. But if the other person is interested, she can “easy her way back into communication and meet up for coffee.”
However, she warns: “You have to be realistic, you can’t get back together if you love and miss each other, it’s not like in the movies.
“If you’ve worked on yourself and addressed the underlying issues, you’re ready to move on. You shouldn’t come back if everything is exactly the same. History will repeat itself.”